What was the main reason of feeling unhappy by me for a long? Definitely too long. This was complexes. The worst thing is that I started everything myself. No one told me that I was ugly or something. At least I don’t remember it…
Oh, sorry… It’s a mistake. I forget all this time, when my parents were telling me that I was too skinny. They were looking at me with desapproval. They were speaking: „You’re thin”, „Eat more!” and such. They were hurt me. They were hurt me so much! I was so sorry that they don’t accept me like I am. I felt I was dissapointing them.
At last, I also started to look myself unfavorably. I started to search bad things in my look instead good things. I realised that I don’t look like other people in my age. I started thinking that other people were judging me too, like my parents and rest family. At this time started my complexes.
I never had any problems with my look. I was just happy girl, whose loved reading books, talking about them, cooking healthy meals, running, meetting with friends, watching films, studying, having good time with brother and more. I was just an ordinary teenager. I never did my parents any problems. I was a dream daughter who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t tangle in bad company. I was so calm! I had enough books, movies, tea and healthy food to be happy. I loved going for a walk and looking at world with delight. I didn’t have any objections to what I look like because it wasn’t important to me. By the time.
I remember a school trip where my problem started seriously. I can say that it was the beginning, because I perfectly remember myself who was going on this trip and the one that came back from it. They were so diffrent. On this trip I realised that I really don’t don’t develop like other girls my age. I realised that I don’t have breast. This sound so innocently, I know. But it took away the joy a life. I started to compare me to other girls. I realised that I looked like ten not like sixteen. I started to worring about this too much. I felt nothing worth it. I felt unpretty.
This trip was a year ago and by this time I battle with my demons. On the way I had many problems with my health (and still have) and I struggled with bulimia. As for the lack of breasts, I started to hide it, wearing a push up bra. I regret it terribly, because I’ve got terrible problems with my spine. Complexes was the only thing I was thinking about. I was sad all the time and I couldn’t chill and enjoy life. I stopped reading books, having fun and going out to other people when I didn’t have to. I was scarry about every meeting with someone. I thougs that they judging me and they thinking I’m horrible. During this time I accumulated so much stress and hated towards myself… I was crying, screaming and eating junk foof after school to stop this pain. It was like rope wrapping around my neck. I looked at future with fear. I didn’t want life. I though that my life wouldn’t be long, because I didn’t see sense in it. I think now that was depression/anxiety, call it as you like. I was a threat to myself.
Now I have much bigger problems than complexes and I don’t care about this as much as last year. Despite of other problems I’m so relieved that I stopped thinking so much about my look. At last I’m looking at myself with love. Only love and acceptation. There are still times when I have objections, because I can’t completly get it out of my head – I’m only 16 and it’s normal that I want to look good. But now I expleined to myself that with my imperfection I’m special. There isn’t second person like me.
I returned to my hobby and I’m smiling more. I think that this experience tought me really much about life and make me smarter. I look at world differently than before.
This isn’t all of my history but I wrote a lot and I think this enough today.
Are you have similar problem like me? Do you have complexes to? Not worth it! Life is too short to worry about it.
Enjoy your life, Isabel
